im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This baby is an asshole
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
