if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
