I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
