I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
