...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
