Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
