Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
