I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
