we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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