There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
