When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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