Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
