I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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