I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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