i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I supernannyed him into submission
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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