I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
