giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
