i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
A+ Viking dick
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
