A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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