rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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