His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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