Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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