I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
