What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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