Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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