Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
