So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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