john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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