Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
