It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
