One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
