your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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