you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
