Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
