whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
