she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
