Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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