made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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