Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
