Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
