I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
