I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
