I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
