im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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