Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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