all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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