I puked a lego.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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