just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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