If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
