Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
