News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
