just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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