i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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