No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
