I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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