it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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